Month: April 2018

Please take notice and refer to me as Ishmael (hereinafter “Ishmael,” “I” or “me”).  On or about approximately some years ago, having approximately little to no ($0) monies on my person, moreover, having nothing of interest to me on that certain real property which was then my place of abode, I determined to leave said real property for the adjacent waters (hereinafter “the Ocean” or “Sea”) which I decided to explore via a large floating vessel (hereinafter the “Ship”). This idea arose as a proximate cause of the anger that had been arising from my time on said real property. Indeed, whenever I start feeling the corners of my mouth start to project themselves downward. Furthermore, whenever there is rain and the sky is gray proximately causing my mood to feel the same. Moreover, whenever I find that I have stopped involuntarily in front of various structures wherein caskets are manufactured and stored.  Indeed, whenever I end up at the end of every funeral procession that I come upon whereupon I become clinically depressed and contemplate taking my life by stepping into oncoming traffic. Or, on the other hand, becoming so angry that I determine to commit assault and battery by removing the hats off other person(s) heads. I think about going to the Seas as soon as practicable.  Said Ship is my alternative to a pistol and a ball.  Marcus Porcius Cato Uticensis (hereinafter “Cato”) has a tendency to “fall upon his sword” with various philosophical statements. Whereas I quietly take to the Ship, which is not surprising.  Most men at various times do the same thing.  That is, they have the same feelings as I do towards the Oceans.

Tuesday night, April 3, 2018. Attorney Duncan Winston just returned home from the gym. He tossed his gym bag on the floor, frustrated that once again he could find no takers for a game of Jai alaia. Maybe it was for the best, he had work to do. Before sitting down at the desk in his study, he went through his usual routine. First, he took his phone off the hook. Next, he switched on his television for a little background noise. He turned the knob through all four stations. But even after fidgeting with the rabbit ear antenna, and caking it with more foil, he just couldn’t get a clear enough reception. No matter. He grabbed a mixed tape and popped it in his boombox. (He would have turned on a movie but his Betamax was broken.) After hearing the hard slam signaling that the cassette was rewound, he pushed play and moved to his desk. Next, he ensured he had sufficient reams of paper lined up in his dot matrix printer. (That paper was hard to come by these days.) He then sat down at his desk and fired up his Commodore 64. As he waited for the system to boot up, he reached for his copy of Blackstone and cracked it open. The musty smell of the parchment was familiar, like an old friend. Time to get to work. There was no doubt how he would start this motion—the same he way he had started every motion, pleading, and filing since he began practicing law:

COMES NOW the Plaintiff, Southwestern Utah Red Rock Appliance Wholesale, Inc., a Utah corporation (hereinafter “SWURRAW”), by and through its undersigned counsel, Duncan G. Winston, Esq., and hereby ….